What's it like to be young, single and deployed? Recently, I spoke to three soldiers at FOB Iskan to find out more about the Middle Eastern dating scene.
“It's pretty tough,” PFC Tyler Combs of Springfield, MO, said, “There's nine girls here, and three thousand dudes. So we jerk off a lot. My record is eleven times in one day.”
“Bullshit,” said his friend, SPC Clark Taylor of Portland, OR.
“I did so,” exclaimed Combs, “Doc was there. So was the commo guy. Ask them.”
“No, I believe that,” Taylor said, “But there's only eight girls here.”
“No, there's the blonde haired one, the butch chick from finance, the hot terp, the hot terp's ugly friend, the KBR chick with the big tits, that captain, the Oriental girl from the coffee shop and the two black chicks,” said Combs.
“That one black chick got sent to FOB Kalsu, remember?”
“Is she the one who used to go to the showers around 2030, wearing those little tiny shorts and the brown t-shirt with no bra underneath?”
“Yeah, she used to go to the internet cafe on Thursdays between like 1900 and 2000. One time the AC was out and she took off her BDU top. It was pretty hot in there, and I think she might have been sweating a little. But not like dripping sweat, just...”
“Moist,” Combs finished, “She was sort of glistening. I remember that day. I can't believe she's not here anymore. I was wondering why I hadn't seen her on Tuesdays at the laundry. She would always inventory her stuff.”
“Did she rock the thong?” asked Taylor.
“Most definitely,” Combs said. “And she'd have sports bras, but also some of the, you know, lacy kind. I'm going to miss her.”
So now we know that the dating scene for young enlisted soldiers is thriving, but what about for NCOs? I talked with SFC Andy McGovern. He seemed to fare even better!
“Yeah, I get laid all the time around here,” McGovern said.
“Uh, some blonde-haired private, this other private, and uh, this kind of butch-looking private from Finance. But, don't tell anyone about that one.”
The secret to McGovern's success in the relationship game?
“Well you kind of got to impress 'em with your having a radio and talking on it all the time. That kind of makes you seem like a big shot. One thing I like to do is if I see them sitting with some other dude, chances are, I outrank him, so I sit right down with them and start making him miserable. You know, pushups in the chow hall, running errands, that kind of crap. After a while, he won't hang around any more and we can get some alone time. If that doesn't work, I threaten the girl's career. You know, tell her I can get her Article 15'd for disrespecting a non-commissioned officer if she doesn't put out.”
So contrary to popular opinion, being single in a war zone, isn't that bad?
“Well,” admitted McGovern, “Technically, I'm not single, but I'm pretty sure that American marriages aren't valid in Iraq. They don't have all that many laws over here.”
Next week in Relationships
– How to meet Iraqi women, ettiquete do's and don'ts if her father's an
insurgent, and how to tell what's under that veil before the arranged marriage.
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